No One Scorns the Wicked
by Allaine
Summary: One of Poison Ivy’s least-favorite holidays goes from bad to worse when the Joker suddenly wants Harley back. Conclusion of the “Wicked” trilogy.
1. Chapter 1

Title: No One Scorns the Wicked (1/2)

Author: Allaine

Email:

Spoilers: Takes place after my stories "Defying Sanity" and "I'm Not That Daughter".

Disclaimers: All characters belong to DC Comics.

Rating: PG (profanity)

Summary: One of Poison Ivy's least-favorite holidays goes from bad to worse when the Joker suddenly wants Harley back. Conclusion of the "Wicked" trilogy.

* * *

Chapter One

_To say that the Joker was insane was a truly colossal stating of the obvious. One would have to be as deeply disturbed as the man himself not to realize that. Which said a lot about his former sidekick, Harley Quinn. _

_Only the Joker could decide on the spur of the moment that Quinn, his loyal henchwench of several years, was a figment of his imagination, never to be seen again, because it now bothered him to think she was real. _

_Only the Joker could be that delusional, go on his merry prankster ways, and then over a year later forget that he had banished her from his mind. _

And naturally, it was only the Joker who almost ruined Valentine's Day for Gotham for many years to come – and without lifting a finger.

Batman sighed. After his return from Bangladesh on the latest Justice League mission, it had taken him three days to piece everything together. So this would be a _very_ long log entry.

* * *

The waitress set Ivy's drink down, and then leaned over. "Mr. Cobblepot would like to speak with you in his office," she murmured into Ivy's ear.

Poison Ivy frowned. She did not like being summoned. She did not like being summoned by men even more. "About what?" she asked.

"A private matter."

"Clearly, if he wants to speak to me in his _office_," Ivy said, exasperated. "He didn't say anything else?"

The waitress hesitated. "When Mr. Cobblepot tells you to do something, you don't exactly ask why," she finally said.

"Just go see what Ozzie wants, Red," Harley Quinn said. "Maybe it's because we've been gone for so long."

"Hmph. Very well," Ivy muttered. She stood up from their table. "I'll be back soon."

"And I'll sit here and get free drinks," Harley said brightly. "We're popular!"

Ivy scowled. "We're surrounded by perverts, is more like it, Harl. We're both women, we're both beautiful, we're both famous, and we're both sleeping with each other. They're buying us drinks because this is the first time in over a month we've been seen out in public together. I'm sure we're still the 'sexual objects du jour' of their adolescent fantasies."

"I fantasize about you. Does that mean I can't buy you a drink tonight?" Harley asked innocently.

They had returned three days ago from two weeks in Belize that had somehow become six, and as such their tans hadn't completely faded yet. Harley's remark, however, made Ivy's face turn as dark a green as it ever was on the Central American beaches. "You can do whatever you want with me tonight - _after_ we get home."

Harley returned Ivy's blush as the redhead finally began making her way to the Penguin's office in the rear of the Iceberg Lounge.

They'd spent almost every minute of the past three months alone together, either on holiday or in the privacy of Ivy's lair in Robinson Park. This night was partly to go out and do something together, and partly to make sure everyone knew that Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn were back in Gotham, and that they were still a threat to be reckoned with.

Just as soon as Ivy figured out how that was going to work.

When Harley was still working for He-Whose-Name-Shall-Not-Be-Spoken, Ivy had always encouraged her to stay as long as she wanted. Watching her go had always pained and frustrated Ivy tremendously. But, to be perfectly honest, Ivy usually got over it after a few hours. Days, even weeks, might go by without Harley's presence, and it didn't bother Ivy all that much.

Now, however, Ivy needed Harley to be with her _all the time_. It didn't make sense! She could choose to spend or not spend time with Harley _whenever she wanted_, and yet she had to have Harley near constantly. Granted, at first blush, this didn't appear to be a problem. They'd hardly been apart for three months now, and Ivy had enjoyed herself enormously. And Harley, well, she'd always been clingy.

But there was one thing that could separate them . . . Batman.

Not that the Bat, colossal killjoy that he was, probably cared if they were together. Separating them would be merely the side effect of what would happen the next time Batman defeated them (not that it was going to happen). He would bring them to Arkham Asylum, where they would be expected to sleep apart in private cells. They'd never be alone together, never a moment's peace. There would always be doctors and orderlies and other inmates, and walls and bars and Plexiglas barriers.

The thought of enduring that for days, even weeks, had paralyzed Ivy's initiative. She was actually _afraid_ to commit a crime, at the risk of getting them incarcerated. It had been the same way before they went on holiday, but Ivy thought she'd be _over_ this by now.

Ivy had never imagined that becoming romantically involved with Harley would cause a burden. She thought happiness would lead to inspiration, and inspiration to success. But instead, she was failing in her mission to protect plants everywhere because of her suddenly insatiable _sex drive_!

Something, Ivy thought darkly, would have to change. And it wouldn't be her. She'd changed _way_ too much already.

"Felicitations, Pamela," the Penguin chattered as the waitress let Ivy into his office. "How good it is to see you here in all your floral finery."

"Actually, it's a Vera Wang," Ivy said flatly. "What was so important that I had to come here alone?"

Penguin settled back into his chair and looked at her shrewdly. "Alone? As in without Ms. Quinn? I see you've become quite used to having her near, Ivy."

Ivy glared back at him. "You say it like it's a weakness, Oswald."

"Love is a weakness, Ivy, and you've got it."

"I didn't come here to be insulted."

"The Joker was here last night."

"And that sack of manure is my problem how?"

Penguin waited a moment before answering. "He was looking for Harley."

_Figured, sooner or later he always_ . . .

She swore she could taste stomach acid in her mouth as it lurched up her throat. She looked at Penguin in disbelief. "But - but he doesn't want her any more! You know what happened! Instead of admit that he couldn't kill Harley whenever he chose - "

"He cut her out of his life, and convinced himself she never existed. Yes, Harley shared that with the bar one drunken night." He raised an eyebrow. "She also had a lot to say about how _you_ had mistreated her as well."

Ivy felt a flash of guilt, but it couldn't compare with the fear that was rapidly flooding her stomach. "So you have to be mistaken!"

"I'm afraid not, Ivy. I heard him myself. Apparently he woke up yesterday morning and wondered where she'd got off to." He spread his hands helplessly. "You know how his mind works."

Ivy blinked.

Penguin scratched the back of his neck. "All right, yes, _nobody_ knows how his mind works. But that's the point. Logic and reason are hopelessly twisted in that brain of his. If he wants to wake up one day and forget the past year never happened, he will."

Ivy stood up so quickly that her chair was knocked over. "I have to go," she said.

"Ivy - "

"I have to go!" she repeated shrilly. "I have to get her out of here. We'll go somewhere, I don't know. It's warmer on the West Coast."

"He'll find you," Penguin told her. "If he's gotten it into his head that it's time for Harley to come home, he very likely won't let it go."

"I don't care!" Ivy shrieked. "If he finds her, she'll go back to him! She can't, she CAN'T!" She had completely lost her grip on any semblance of self-control, and she didn't even notice.

"I don't think this is the time to panic, my dear. It's not as if he's in the building. You don't have to go running out of here like - "

"This is _exactly_ the time to panic," she retorted, her eyes wild. "You say 'he's not in the building' like it makes a difference. The _rumors_ will be in the building! If Harley becomes aware of this - I have to get her out of the city before she has the chance to find out, Cobblepot." Ivy then bolted for the door like a rabbit running for cover.

"You don't seem to trust her very much, Ivy."

"About _this_?" Ivy asked as she ripped the door open. "I'll never be able to."

Ivy was already at the stairs leading down to the main floor before she was able to rein herself in. If she showed up acting hysterical, Harley would know something was wrong. She'd ask questions, and she didn't trust anyone there to keep his fat blab shut! So in what she imagined to be a measured pace, Ivy walked back towards her table.

Which was empty.

Her vision swayed like she was standing on the deck of a ship and the waves were forty feet high. She looked around wildly. If someone had already told Harley, she would rip out their eyes and peel them like grapes!

Fortunately, before she completely lost her cool, Ivy heard the jukebox start up. Her eyes darted in its direction, and she was relieved to see Harley leaning against it.

This, she realized, was how mothers felt when they lost their children in crowded malls.

"Harley," she said loudly as she went over to the jukebox. "There you are."

"Hey, Red," Harley answered, still looking at the jukebox display. "What did Ozzie want?"

"Nothing important," Ivy said. "Nothing at all. Come on back to the table, Harley."

"Hold on, I'm still picking songs," Harley said. She studied the selections with the utmost concentration. "I put on some Kelly Clarkson. I thought you might appreciate it."

"Yes, Harl, my life revolves around American Idol. Hurry up."

Harley rapidly pushed a few buttons. "Okay," she said cheerfully before she turned to look at Ivy. Her jaw dropped. "Red, what's wrong?"

Ivy swallowed. "Nothing's wrong, Harley. We're just leaving now, that's it."

Harley was looking increasingly worried. "Red, I know something's wrong because your skin turns a darker green when you're angry, and a lighter green when you're afraid. And your skin has turned _white_."

Not believing her, Ivy glanced over at the large mirror behind the bar, and saw Harley wasn't exaggerating by much. She looked more normal than she'd ever looked in years, except for a slight green tinge that made her appear ill. Well, so much for hiding it.

"Harley, do you trust me?" she asked anxiously.

"Um, of course, Red."

"Then trust me - something very bad has happened in Gotham, and we have to leave right away."

"But we just got here! And everyone here is acting like nothing's - "

"_Do you trust me or not?!"_

Harley squeaked and cringed. "Y-yeah, Ivy."

"Then hail a cab while I get our things."

* * *

Harley hadn't said a word in the taxi. She'd just stared at Ivy. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Red this freaked out. In stressful or dangerous situations Red rarely got frightened. She got angry. For her to be afraid, it had to be about something _really_ important, like plants or -

Or like her. And since Ivy wasn't ranting or saying anything at _all_, it was probably about her.

So now she was frightened too.

"Red," Harley finally said hesitantly after Ivy slammed the taxi door shut, "am I in danger or something?"

Ivy looked nauseous. "More than you can imagine," she muttered.

"More than I can _imagine_?!"

"Yes, Harley," Ivy said dully. "So you're better off not knowing. We'll be all right once we're in Star City."

"But that's on the other side of the country!"

"Well, we need to reach the Pacific Ocean. We can arrange for travel to one of the islands I've kept safe out there."

Who was Red protecting her from, the _Army_? "And how long do we have to stay on the island?"

Ivy shrugged and mumbled something.

Harley thought of asking her to repeat herself, but she had a sneaking suspicion Red had said "maybe forever", and she didn't want it confirmed.

A little of Red's color had come back during the taxi ride, but just as they reached Ivy's territory within Robinson Park, Red stopped, cocked her head, and turned deathly pale again.

"What is it?" Harley asked.

"There was an intruder here," she said slowly. "The plants don't know if he's still inside."

Harley gaped. This intruder, whoever he was, had handled Ivy's outer plant defenses. Normally anything larger than a dog would be expelled ruthlessly and painfully. So the intruder had to be someone like the Batman or . . . whoever was putting Harley in danger.

And again, this whoever had evidently dealt with Red's plants pretty easily.

"What are you going to do?" Harley whispered, starting to feel faint.

Ivy looked indecisive. "I'm going in, of course. I'm not sure if I should leave you out here, though. I don't want you out of my sight, but if he's still in there - "

"At this point," Harley said, "I don't think I want to be out of your sight either."

Ivy folded her arms. "Then we'll go in together. Maybe he's gone."

"You're sure the intruder's a he?"

"I know who it is. _Was_."

"But you're not going to tell me."

Ivy shook her head and led her into the trees.

"Can you tell me how he got in, at least?" Harley asked as she followed.

"They're afraid."

"The plants are _afraid_ of him?"

"They're afraid the way dogs get when they tuck their tails between their legs and slink away. They _know_ there's something wrong with him, something dangerous, something unnatural and toxic. They can smell it in him. If I had been here, I could have done something. My babies will do anything for me - but they won't if I'm not here to ask them," Ivy said grimly.

Did Harley say she was frightened earlier? Heck, she was shaking in her booties!

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary as they made their way towards Red's little greenhouse and lair. But Red's face grew longer with every second. When they got to the entrance, Ivy put her hand on Harley's chest. "You're not going in," she said firmly. "They're telling me he's still in there, and you're not safe."

"I am NOT letting you go in there by yourself!"

"Harley, please! If you go in there with me, you'll come out with _someone else!_"

"And what if you go in alone and never come out AT ALL?!" Harley shrieked.

"_Goddamn it, lower your voice!" _Ivy hissed.

That was when the door opened without any help from either of them.

"Why, Pammy, there you are," Joker said, looking at her. "You weren't home when I got here, so I thought I'd make myself comfortable. Lean Pocket?"

Harley froze. She hadn't seen Joker in over a year. But it still hurt. That being said, she didn't see why Red was freaking out. He'd just pretend she was invisible like the last time.

"Joker, get the _fuck_ out of my hideout," Ivy snarled.

"Whoops, you should really put your name on any foods that belong to you, Pammy, if you don't want someone to eat them. Anyway, I've been looking all over for Harley, and - " Joker finally seemed to realize she wasn't alone. "Why Harley, there you are! Aren't you a sight for frozen facial muscles!"

Harley gasped. She hadn't been this shocked since - well, since the night he cast her out of his memories. And now . . . "Puddin?" she asked.

Ivy spun her head to look at her, utterly aghast.

"You wouldn't believe what a mess the hideout's in!" Joker told her. "The henchmen are just hopeless. I mean, if I told you to bring me that joke book, the red one?"

"Um, 'Why Did The Dead Baby Cross The Road, and 999 Other Jokes Much More Tasteless Than That'?"

"YES! I swear, it took Sir Laff-a-Lot five tries to get it! You really ought to train them better, you know. _Plus_ I can't find my cufflinks! You're gone a few days and everything goes to hell-in-a-Montana."

"A few - DAYS? It's been a year!"

Joker looked at her oddly. Then he glanced at Ivy. "Pammy, I can't believe it! You've hooked my Harley on opium! You and your poppy-love! Get it, Ivy? Poppy-love? A-HAHAHAhaha!!"

"You can't take her," she growled. "She's going to stay here from now on."

"Well, that seems rather inefficient. How is she going to be my sidekick if you still have physical custody? I thought we'd settled on you having visitation rights."

"You - you want me back?" Harley asked. She couldn't believe it! Seeing him in front of her, asking for her, wanting her to come back to the hideout with him – suddenly the past year evaporated in her mind like the mist. And in an instant she did what she had always done. She forgave him.

"Let's go, Harley," Joker said. "I have this great idea. We're going to need seven tons of Brill cream, a live tarpon, and the first five Hardy Boys books, and we've only got thirty-nine hours! Don't worry, Zeppo's keeping the van warm."

Delighted, Harley jumped into Joker's arms.

Stricken mute, Ivy could only watch them go with desolate eyes. "You promised," she said hopelessly.

Several more minutes passed before Ivy finally went inside. "Well, that's it, then."

To be concluded . . .


	2. Chapter 2

Title: No One Scorns the Wicked (2/2)

Author: Allaine

Email:

Spoilers: Takes place after my stories "Defying Sanity" and "I'm Not That Daughter".

Disclaimers: All characters belong to DC Comics.

Rating: PG (profanity)

Summary: One of Poison Ivy's least-favorite holidays goes from bad to worse when the Joker suddenly wants Harley back. Conclusion of the "Wicked" trilogy.

* * *

Chapter Two

Ivy was already furious when she had arrived at the Batsignal. Twenty minutes later, when the Batman had _still_ failed to show up, she was positively incandescent with rage.

Rogues such as herself hated any kind of device that kept the Bat and the police close, when really those filthy, grunting pigs should have been trying to lock him up. What helped make up for this was the signal's poor security. Occasionally there were feeble attempts to keep unauthorized visitors from using it, but the fact remained that the signal was in an outdoor rooftop location, and clearly the department never seemed to have money in its budget for protecting a glorified spotlight.

Consequently, virtually every prominent Rogue had set up an ambush at a lit Batsignal at one time or another, or used the device to leave the Bat some kind of message or riddle. Poison Ivy had been no exception.

There was no point to an ambush, however, if the caped jerk never showed up!

Quite pissed off, Ivy tried to fold her arms before remembering that she couldn't. The bricks of C-4 plastic explosives she had strapped to her body were quite bulky, and plus the wires connected to the detonator in her hand got in the way.

She should just set them off now, but damn it, she didn't want people thinking that Poison Ivy had become a pathetic shadow of her past glory, reduced to seeking one final blaze of glory in self-immolation. She had things to _say_. Granted, Batman wouldn't live to tell anybody, but at least she'd get them off her chest.

She supposed she could remove the barricading from the doors and let the police, maybe even the commissioner, hear her tale of woe. But they were just such useless _men_.

But she sure as hell didn't want to wait all night.

A motion to her right caught her eye, and Ivy looked quickly. But it was just a rat.

Still, it _could_ have been the Batman. He could be lurking in the shadows right now, waiting to make his move. It was _possible_.

"It's about time," Ivy said loudly, but without any inflection at all. "I thought about just setting these off without turning on your little night light first, but not even you can stop me from doing this, and I wanted to make sure I caught you in the initial blast."

Batman would respond with something obvious, of course. "Ivy. I take it something's bothering you."

"No _shit_, Sherlock."

That would drive him nuts. Ivy was quite certain he hated flippancy.

"Let me save you the chore of interrogating me," Ivy went on. "With this much explosives, I can take out this entire building. And if anyone inside survives, well, you know how toxic my blood is. At this altitude? The air below us will become instantly fatal for anyone who breathes it."

"What do you want?" Batman growled.

She laughed bitterly. "You think I'm holding the building _hostage_? You think you can talk this detonator out of my hand if you offer me something? Think again, Bat! I want to die, and I want to take you and this worthless bunch of limp dicks with me."

This was a good idea. She really ought to practice her last testament.

* * *

"I'm famished!" Joker said cheerfully as their car sped through Gotham's streets. "I have a sudden craving for Icelandic cuisine. Because you can't spell 'seven tons' without Sven!"

"Can we have fresh baked kringlors?" Harley asked.

"With honey pecan sauce! If only I'd brought our Lucia wreaths with us."

Harley smiled. Everything about this moment felt incredible. It felt _right_. She leaned back in her seat and watched the storefronts flew by.

More than once she saw bouquets of roses behind plate-glass windows and fantasized about finding one from Puddin' when they got back to the hideout. It was only after the third time, after seeing a florist's shop that was practically bursting with blossoms, that she thought about how angry Red would be if she could see this. Valentine's Day was part of her "axis of evil" when it came to holidays, and . . .

Time slowed down for Harley as reality checked her so hard, she might as well have seen a Mack truck barreling towards her, not a stupid florist's.

_Yeah, Red. You know, Poison Ivy? Your GIRLFRIEND? The one you just dumped without a second glance, you STUPID FUCKING BITCH?! _

Harley gasped, sat up straight, and pressed both hands against the glove compartment as tears sprang to her eyes. What had she _done_?

In an absolute panic, Harley couldn't think of anything besides getting back to Red as soon as possible. The rejection she'd just dealt Ivy was a hundred times worse than the last one, and Ivy had responded to _that_ by not speaking to her for months. This time?

This time people would die, and Harley was terrified that one of them would be Red.

Knowing nothing but that she had to find Red immediately, Harley did the very first thing to come to mind.

So she opened the passenger door and threw herself out of a moving car.

* * *

"Exactly what did I do that was so horrible, we both have to die?" Imaginary-Batman asked Ivy.

Ivy's lip curled with disgust. "You're all such do-gooders," she sneered. "Sanctity of life! Law and order! The judicial system! Well, blah blah BLAH. If you want to make an omelet, Batman, then you've got to crack a few skulls."

"I take it there's one skull in particular I should have cracked?"

"The _Joker_," Ivy replied with a loathing that burned as intensely as it ever had. And believe her, she was a _professional_ when it came to hatred. "You should have killed him years ago. One of those assholes below us should have. Do any of you realize just how much happier we'd all be if you had?"

There was no immediate reaction. Of course he wouldn't admit it.

And then, because he was always such a damned know-it-all . . . "What did he do to Harley?"

Ivy flinched, and she came very close to pushing the button involuntarily. "He . . . he _remembered_ her," she finally told him bleakly. "And she ran right back into his arms again."

"Remembered?"

"Surely even you've noticed, Batman, that they haven't committed crimes together in quite some time. Didn't you wonder why? Joker no longer remembered having a sidekick named Harley Quinn. Even pictures of her became one enormous blind spot in his brain."

"And I'm sure you took advantage of that."

"Not right away," Ivy growled. All the time they would have had together if she hadn't immediately blown Harley off after that initial rejection. Maybe Harley would have _stayed, _if only they'd been together long enough.

Ha! Harley would _never_ stay. When would Ivy learn?!

"But the two of you did become close, didn't you?"

Ivy glared in his direction. "I took her to meet my _mother_."

"And how is the Feminazi these days?" he asked.

"Still waiting for me to break her out."

Which was never going to happen. Even if she didn't blow herself up tonight.

* * *

It was only after Harley limped away from an empty greenhouse that she realized the Joker was nowhere to be found. She had leapt out of a speeding car without any warning – not the smartest move, she realized now – and as far as she knew, Mistah J hadn't turned around, stopped, or even slowed down for her.

That was who she left Ivy for, without a second thought. Joker had transferred his case of temporary amnesia to her, and she'd used it to hurt someone much, much worse.

_She took you to meet a mother she doesn't even like!_

The worst part was, Red had obviously found out about the Joker looking for her at the Iceberg. That was why she wouldn't tell Harley what had her so spooked; Red couldn't trust her enough to stay true.

But she couldn't even get mad at Ivy, because she'd been right not to trust her.

Harley wondered if she'd made Red feel like this _every_ time she went back to the Joker. If that was the case, no wonder Red had shunned her for months. Who wouldn't?

Despondent, Harley had no idea where to look next. There were several possibilities, but all seemed just as likely as another. And there wasn't time. She remembered the look in Red's eyes after Halloween when she thought Harley had rejected her advances a second time. Harley had a dark suspicion that both of them had come close to not leaving the building alive.

How would Red lash out _this_ time?

"I really am a bad girlfriend," Harley whispered. "I'm not even sure how to FIND her."

Not sure what else to do, she raised her eyes and looked up into the sky. _God, Allah, Thor, Pee-Wee Herman, whoever you are up there, give me a sign!_

A sign like, say, a huge spotlight with a bat in the middle?

That was it! BATMAN could find Red! She just had to get to the spotlight before he left!

She broke into a run, then pulled up lame almost immediately. Oh yeah, that severe ankle sprain she got from the speeding pavement. Looked like both her knees were still bleeding, too. The only reason she wasn't in an ambulance right now was years of learning to deal with pain.

_So keep dealing with it!_

Harley nodded. She had to find Red.

Wincing, Harley started running again.

* * *

"I mean, seriously!" Ivy ranted, her eyes blazing. "It was like I wasn't even there! Do you have any idea what that's like, having some girl betray you for another man _right in front of you_? What am I saying, of course you don't! Your dick is probably _fossilized_ from your complete lack of any kind of social life!"

"If I don't have a social life, it's because I'm out here every night, dealing with _scum_ like you."

"Well, maybe you could deal with the scum a little more permanently!"

"Do you want me to start with you?"

Sometimes he employed the most _maddening_ logic, like logic could explain away everything!

"And besides, you've never had any compunctions about killing people," Batman continued. "Why haven't you killed the Joker yet, if you hate him so much?"

"I've thought about it," Ivy said darkly. "But Harley wouldn't have properly appreciated it."

"You hate Quinn now. She broke your heart. Why don't you kill him now? Why isn't he the one you're blowing up?"

_Because I don't know where they are, and even if I did, there's no telling what tender scene I'll intrude on. Not what I need to see in my final moments, thank you!_

That wasn't what she said, though. "You're right, I _do_ hate Harley," she said savagely. "That's precisely why I'm not killing him. Because they _deserve_ each other. If Harley wants the abusive bastard that much, let her have him! She can spend the next twenty years enjoying every rejection, every bruise, every attempt on her _life_, knowing that she'll never have me to run to ever again!"

"It sounds like you're killing yourself to punish her."

"Maybe I am! Maybe I should have started punishing her a long time ago. Gaia knows, she seems to fucking like it!"

"Red?"

Ivy's eyes widened, and she almost fell backwards. "What are _you_ doing here? Don't tell me Puddin' kicked you out already? That must be a new world record for him!"

"Red, who were you talking to?"

"The . . . " Ivy suddenly realized that at some point, she'd stopped pretending the Batman was there, and crossed over into actually believing it. Well, she wasn't exactly of sound mind after the night she'd had! "My life isn't your concern any longer!"

Instead of speaking, Harley shuffled out of the shadows where Ivy could see her better, and she gasped. "Gaia, what did he _do_ to you?!"

Harley looked down at herself, then again at the explosives on Ivy's chest. "Wheredja get all the C-4, Red?"

"I had it stockpiled. You never know when there'll be an opportunity for a security breach at the refineries. Harley, you didn't answer my question. Why do you look like that?" Ivy asked. She couldn't understand how Harley ended up with bloody knees. "What did he do, bite your kneecaps off?"

"No, um, I kinda jumped out of a moving car."

Ivy gaped at her. "You WHAT?"

"I wasn't thinking clearly, Red."

"There's a _fucking_ newsflash, Harley. You certainly weren't thinking clearly when you _abandoned_ me back at our home!"

Harley cringed. "I know. Red, I'm really – "

"Don't. Say. You're. Sorry," Ivy snarled. "Or I push this button right now."

"What if I said I made a mistake?" Harley asked. "Will that cause an explosion too?"

Ivy didn't respond at first. She was still working with the assumption that she didn't want to hear anything Harley had to say to her. But she was still curious about the "moving car" thing. "Why would you throw yourself out of a car, Harley?"

Harley shrugged. "Seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

"Why?"

"Because . . . the car was going one way, and you were the other way, and the longer I waited, the longer it was gonna take me to get back to you," Harley finally said.

Ivy trembled. _Don't you dare, Harley. Don't you tell me you've reconsidered, just so you can tear my heart out tomorrow again._

"I'm in love with you, Red," Harley continued, looking absolutely miserable. "I've been in love with you for months. Loved you for years."

"You've been _in love_ with Joker for longer, Harley, and clearly you haven't stopped."

"But tonight was the first time I was ever with him," Harley replied, "and realized I wanted to be with you more."

_Why do you always have to make things harder, Harl?_

"So that's it," Ivy finally said. "You've made up your mind. You can have either one of us, and you want me. And you'll never take it back. Right?"

Harley bit her lip and looked down.

"Harley . . . "

"Look, I can't explain it, okay?" Harley burst out. "When I'm around him, shit happens in my head, and I want to be with him. I don't know why."

Ivy caressed the detonator with her thumb. Among the many pathetic excuses Harley had made for Joker over the years, that was perhaps the most pitiful.

"But when I'm _not _around him, I want to be with you," Harley added. "And that has to be more important, right? The doctors say I'm crazy. Well, my illness wants to be with him, and my heart wants to be with you."

Ivy closed her eyes. A little pressure and this could all be over. "That's just _swell_, Harley, but you said it yourself. I can't be with you if you'll run off with him every time he's 'around'."

"Then let's just go!" Harley said helplessly. "Let's stick with the original plan! Star City, remember? We can go to Indonesia, or Micronesia, or Polynesia, or Anesthesia – one of those Esias. We can go there, and be alone, and I won't stop loving you for the rest of my life."

It wasn't the most ringing words of love ever spoken. _I'll love you forever - as long as your competition isn't nearby._

She reopened her eyes and saw that the waterworks were starting. _Oh, look. Page Three from Harley's playbook._ "No, Harley," Ivy told her firmly. "I won't be with someone who thinks I'm second-best. It sounds all nice and sweet and romantic when you say your heart belongs to me, but it doesn't. If there are two people in front of you, and you pick one, how the hell is the other person supposed to believe that you love her more?"

"I don't know!" Harley said desperately, crying in earnest now. "Do you think I don't _know_ that you love me more? Do you think I haven't _noticed_ that you've treated me fifty times better in the past four months than Mistah J has in years?"

"You've done a shitty job of proving it since I met you, Harl!"

"Look, the doctors are right, okay? I'm nuts! Crazier than a loon! A banana short of a bunch!" Harley pleaded. "I'm _obsessed_ with the guy! Isn't that what they've said all this time? Isn't that what _you_ say? That I've fixated on him? That it's an addiction? Helloooo, I have a mental illness! I realize you never studied psychology, Red, but crazy people do things that make no fucking sense!"

Ivy didn't know how to respond to that. It was true, there _wasn't_ anything sane about her feelings for Joker. He was Harley's personal obsessive-compulsive disorder.

"And they've been giving me medications for years, but it never changes how I feel about him," Harley went on. "I'm incurable! So I'm _begging_ you, Red – take me away from this place. Save me from my own deeply disturbed judgment. I had a lucid moment in that car, and I knew I wanted to be with _you_. Please, Red, can't we just go back to where we were in the taxi? When you just wanted to get us to some island out there?"

Before Ivy knew quite what was happening, Harley was right in front of her, shaking her by the arms. "And I really, really, _really_ don't want you to die, Red! Otherwise, you might as well blow me up with you!"

"I'm going to kill us both by accident if you don't stop shaking me, Harl!"

"Oh!" Harley squeaked, letting go.

Ivy sighed. "You _really_ hurt me tonight."

"I'm _sorry!_" Harley wailed.

Not for the first time – or the fortieth – Ivy marveled that _this_ was the woman she fell in love with.

And, she had to admit, Ivy still felt that way.

_I'll probably regret this in the morning._

"Never leave me again," Ivy said.

"Never," Harley promised.

"Okay," Ivy whispered.

Carefully Ivy put the detonator in Harley's hand.

Harley's eyes widened and she looked down. "Thank you, Red," she said. Then she blinked and looked at the device a little harder.

And she pushed the button.

Ivy shrieked for a few seconds before she realized that nothing was going boom.

"See," Harley said, "this is why you need me with you. Because you don't know jack about using plastic explosives. Don't you ever watch me?"

Ivy made a little noise of outrage. "I am more than qualified at setting off explosives!"

"Yeah, yeah, this is why you need a sidekick," Harley replied, tossing the detonator aside.

"Can we make our permanent move to the South Pacific now?"

"We don't even have to fill out our forwarding address."

Ivy removed the explosives and placed them on the roof. She then put Harley's arm around her shoulders so she could support her ex-ex-girlfriend, since Harley was starting look much too pale.

"How did you get up here, anyway?" Ivy suddenly thought to ask. "The police had to have noticed the signal was on by now."

"Called in a bomb scare," Harley explained. "I told them there was a package gift-wrapped in purple and green in one of the evidence lockers."

"Is there?"

"Yeah. You-know-who stashed a couple dozen here years ago. The dopes still haven't found them all."

"I knew they were worthless," Ivy muttered.

"Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day," Harley said as they slowly made their way. "I didn't buy you flowers."

"Why, Harley," Ivy replied, kissing her on the cheek, "I think that's the nicest gift you've ever gotten me!"

The End.


End file.
